Unemployed and praising God

valiantgirl — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 01:34:09 +0000

Ugh, well, I have become another statistic in this economic mess. I was laid off a week or so ago. I seem to struggle with employment in general. It’s aggravating and mystifying. On paper I seem and feel smart. I understand things and am interested in many things. But when it comes to work, I have a lot of anxiety and I easily shut down. It’s mostly performance anxiety, but it has been REALLY hard to make progress. I have been working with my therapist using Lifespan Integration to decrease PTSD, and I seem to making some progress, but it has taken a long time. Over time I have come to accept that my PTSD is real, and it is a significant factor to consider in my work. For the time being, I cannot have a job that is emotionally taxing or too stressful. I just can’t seem to cope, otherwise. But it is this acceptance of my PTSD that gives me some consolation. Now that I don’t have to try to avoid seeing evidence of it in my life, I can bear with its outcomes more easily. I am not a failure or a freak of nature when my heart pounds for no apparent reason, that I feel like I am going to die for laughable, trivial things. I know that it is me, but it doesn’t define me. I am learning to define it.

Which brings me to praising God. With all this free time on my hands, I have been reading a couple of books, “Strengthening Yourself in the Lord,” by Bill Johnson of Bethel Church fame, and “Power in Praise,” by Merlin R. Carothers, writer of “Prison to Praise.” Both these books exhort the reader to praise God in all circumstances. Carothers goes so far as to praise God FOR all things, especially terrible things. I felt challenged by this, so I started praising God for being unemployed, for the things I didn’t do so hot before I left, for the bills that are starting to pile up. I probably spend at least an hour to two hours praising God. And indeed, I started to feel better, and lighter. My sense of purpose and self did not rest on being employed or how I did. My inner self of creativity seemed more welcome and ready to start risking in this new atmosphere of praise. But then the REAL challenge started.

“Praise me for everything that has happened in your life” God said after a few days of praising him for unemployment. I sucked in my breath. I realized that being unemployed is kinda fun for the first few days, so it hadn’t been that crazy to be praising him for that, but I wasn’t ready to praise God for abuse and neglect. That was crazy. But the command persisted. Now, I have had a lot of healing in my journey, and I have already come to appreciate how my suffering has made me able to empathize with others, and to better understand issues of power and empowerment in marginalized populations, which is directly related to my vocation. God has done a lot of things that have grown my trust in His person, so I felt like I needed to take this risk.

So I started to praise him for everything in my life, especially all hte terrible things that have happened. It was difficult because it seems so outside of what God wants, what I want. God abhors injustice, violence, abuse, oppression, etc. But I realized that I also resisted because I feel like if I withold myself, God owes me something. That somehow he has to make reparations with me if I hold back. But I realized while I praised him that those things no longer had power over me. I praise God because he has given me immeasureable worth, he has new beginnings for me, a new life, new ways of being, new ideas and thoughts. I feel my fierce, powerful self starting to return, for the first time in like 25 years. 25 years! So I praise God, right now, for my unemployment. Because i don’t know if I would have had enough tiem to devote to prayer and praise, and I don’t know if I would have been able to give him these vital pieces of myself.

I love Bolt

valiantgirl — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 21:33:18 +0000

Hurrah for Bolt! What a fun movie, about a T.V. show dog with super powers. But once he leaves the show, he realizes that he doesn’t have any powers. Now he has to solve problems with just his normal talents, good heart, and bravery. Now, does that sound a like a story line a survivor can relate to? I can, anyway.

When I was a kid, I LOVED stories that were built around valor and courage, people acting out of their beliefs in something greater and bigger than they. How could they live other wise? I realized after seeing and loving this movie, that my childhood was in a way like Bolt’s life. As a very young girl, I was expected to do things that were way beyond what was appropriate for my age. And I did it because I thought I could do anything. I believed goodness would solve everything.

But gradually I realized that my ignoring the horrible things in my life did not mean that they didn’t exist, that I really was missing key elements of learning and relationships that others had. Suddenly I was not invincible, and my positive thinking was not rooted in reality. So I started my path of investigating what WAS true? Who was I REALLY? It is a painful but freeing journey. I don’t want to live in fear of lies! Realizing my dissociation had become a liability, and not the cure-all I thought it was, was a major blow to me. I truly did not know another way to deal with my stress. I am still unlearning dissociation and trying to learn new ways of dealing with emotions. It’s a slow process, but it’s happening.

For me, Bolt is the encouraging movie of the year. I love the scenes where he is learning about his true nature and living a “real” life with his new friends. He has given up the image that he had to maintain before. That’s where I want to be! Plus, there’s a great song in the movie. Here’s a link to the YouTube version (the video has NO relation to the movie).

Enough for now, have a good week!

ValiantGirl

Valiant Heart

Unemployed and praising God

I love Bolt